Back-to-School Survival Guide for the Hectic Family

Well, folks, it’s that time of year again. The sweet sounds of summer—birds chirping, kids splashing, the ice cream truck’s jingle—are being replaced by the not-so-sweet sound of alarms blaring at ungodly hours. Yes, it’s back-to-school season, where parents everywhere trade in their flip-flops for the parental equivalent of combat boots, ready to face the battlefields of homework, packed lunches, and PTA meetings. Grab your coffee, folks (or maybe a glass of wine), because we’re about to dive into how to parent during the school year—with a healthy dose of humor, of course!

1. The Art of the Morning Routine (AKA, How to Herd Cats)

Mornings during the school year are like a high-stakes game show. Will you find all the matching socks? Can you get everyone fed and dressed without a meltdown (yours, not theirs)? And the ultimate challenge: Will you make it out the door on time?

Here’s a tip: Embrace the chaos. If the kids manage to leave the house with matching shoes, that’s a win. If breakfast consists of something more substantial than a Pop-Tart, you deserve a medal (and maybe a little cheese to go with that morning coffee or wine). And if everyone actually remembers their backpack, well, you might just be a superhero.

2. Lunchbox Wars: The Battle for Edible Food

Ah, the lunchbox. That small, innocent-looking container that holds so much potential for disaster. Do you pack something healthy and risk it being traded for a pack of gummy bears? Or do you give in and pack the junk, knowing that at least it will be eaten?

The trick is to strike a balance. Throw in a piece of fruit (which will inevitably come back uneaten), add a snack they’ll actually eat, and top it off with a note that says, “Don’t trade your apple for candy!” Because we all know that’s going to happen anyway.

After you’ve packed the lunchbox and sent the kids on their way, it’s time to reward yourself. A small snack for you—maybe a nice piece of cheese with a glass of wine. You deserve it for surviving another lunchbox battle!

3. Homework: The Never-Ending Saga

Homework time is when you discover that, apparently, you’re not smarter than a fifth-grader. You may have aced algebra back in the day, but when you’re staring at your kid’s math worksheet, it might as well be written in ancient hieroglyphics.

My advice? Google is your friend. So is YouTube. But if all else fails, a good old-fashioned bribe (extra screen time, anyone?) might just be the ticket to getting through that science project without losing your sanity. And when the homework is finally done, reward yourself with—you guessed it—more wine. Perhaps paired with some decadent chocolate, because why not?

4. PTA Meetings: Where Parents Go to Pretend They Have It Together

PTA meetings are where you realize that some parents are way too into glitter glue and fundraising. You might show up just to see if anyone else looks as confused as you feel. But let’s be real, most of us are there for the snacks.

Pro tip: Volunteer for the least time-consuming job possible. You don’t want to get stuck organizing the bake sale unless you enjoy staying up until 2 AM making 50 cupcakes that look like miniature works of art. (Spoiler: You don’t.) Instead, volunteer to bring the cheese platter—because at least then you’ll have something good to snack on while you sit through the meeting.

5. The Bedtime Routine: An Olympic Sport

Getting kids to bed during the school year is like running a marathon, except with more whining and fewer medals. There’s always one more glass of water, one more story, one more excuse. By the time they’re finally asleep, you’re so exhausted you could probably sleep on a bed of Lego bricks.

Remember, though, once they’re in bed, the house is yours—until you inevitably fall asleep on the couch halfway through your favorite show. But before that happens, why not pour one last glass of wine, grab a slice of that fancy cheese you’ve been saving, and toast to making it through another day?

6. Celebrating Small Wins: You’ve Earned It!

Did you survive the first week of school? Time for a celebratory coffee… or a nap. Did you actually make it to the first parent-teacher conference without breaking into a cold sweat? High five! These small victories deserve to be celebrated because let’s face it, parenting during the school year is no small feat.

So here’s to you, super-parent. Whether you’re crushing it at carpool or just barely making it to the bus stop in time, you’re doing great. And when in doubt, just remember: It’s almost the weekend. We’ve got this!